The correct use of feedback can enhance relationships and results. The improper use will damage relationships and stall success. Do you deliver feedback correctly?

My daughter had just graduated from college. We were giving a party for her, and she was helping us prepare the house and the food. She was creating a plate with a variety of cut fruit. She is an artist and therefore incredibly creative.

I looked over, and she had used a good deal of grapes as a border for the serving plate. I asked her, “Why are you using so many grapes when we have so many different types of fruit? I thought you were going to alternate the grapes with the pineapple, watermelon, et cetera.”

A few minutes passed. She was silent. I looked over at her eyes, full of tears. She had taken my question and observation as criticism. In a soft and humble tone, she asked me, “Would you rather do this, Dad?” I knew I had messed up. I had damaged her motivation and creativity with just a few sentences.

Some of you may think she was being overly sensitive, but I believe in the maxim: “Communication is the response I get.” I must therefore take responsibility for the response that I did not intend to receive from my daughter.

If we want to influence others and protect trust, we must embrace this maxim. We must take our portion of the responsibility for poor communication. We must own our part.

One of the most important skills a manager and leader must develop is the ability to know how and when to deliver feedback in order to maintain employee engagement. Here are three great rules to help you deliver feedback correctly to optimize influence.

1. Remember that feedback and criticism are not the same

The average person rarely makes a distinction between feedback and criticism. This is a serious mistake. Feedback is data from a process for the purpose of learning. Criticism is opinion. My daughter interpreted my comments about her fruit plate as criticism or opinion, and she was correct.

Feedback, by definition, is direct observation or a review of data collected in a transparent and/or an “agreed upon” method. For example, regarding my daughter, I could have said, “You put grapes around the entire perimeter of the fruit plate.” While doing this, I could have also been aware of my tone of voice. It should have been neutral because data is neutral.

Another example: if someone is late, I could tell him/her, “We were scheduled to meet at 2 PM, and it is now 2:30 PM. You are 30 minutes later than I expected.” If you really want to deliver feedback, keep this idea in mind: make the comment about something that can be observed, and the tone must be neutral. If either is missing, it can quickly become criticism, which can harm the trust.

2. Deliver criticism only with permission

Sometimes we need to deliver criticism. Sometimes we must give our opinion. If you are going to do so, I recommend you name it what it is: an opinion.

Furthermore, to avoid a negative response, we must ask permission prior to delivery. With my daughter, I could have asked, “May I give you my opinion about the fruit plate?” It’s not wrong to deliver criticism, but how and when we do so is important.

My daughter had tears in her eyes because she took my criticism to heart and it was unsolicited. I inadvertently hurt her feelings. Hurt feelings will most certainly damage someone’s engagement and motivation. I wanted her to hear my opinion, but instead she shut down. I can either blame her for being overly sensitive, or in the future I can change my approach, ask her permission, and then deliver my opinion in a neutral tone.

3. Help others collect their own feedback

Motivation improves when people have control over their own feedback. The best leaders willingly arrange for others to track their own progress. This sense of freedom leads to motivation and commitment.

Summary

The best leaders deliver feedback frequently and in accurate and careful ways. Poor leaders often avoid giving feedback because they fear the tears (poor reactions from employees), they worry about arguments, and they are concerned about damaging motivation. But if they appreciate the three rules (understand the difference between feedback and criticism, ask permission before criticizing, and help others collect their own feedback), their fears will fade and motivation will bloom.

LABCAST: Be sure to attend Wally Hauck’s Lab Manager Academy webinar “Performance Conversations: How to Use Trust and Influence to Get What You Need When You’re Not the Boss” on Wednesday, November 6 (or afterward at www.labmanager.com/performanceconvos, to watch the archived video).